So if you didn’t know this about me by now already, I’m a pretty introspective person. It drives me crazy sometimes, realizing I’m probably over analyzing things but it’s just kinda the way I’m wired. Lately, I’ve come to an awareness that I think perhaps I just haven’t been willing to admit to myself or subconsciously veer away from taking a closer look at in the past. In trying to figure out why I’m such a procrastinator, I feel like I’ve been overwhelmed with all the information and suggested reasons that are out there: fear of this or that, low self-esteem and confidence, thought patterns, etc, but something finally kind of gelled for me this last week. I think I have formed the bad habit of laziness. That’s kind of hard for me to write and say. Who wants to admit to simply being lazy? It seems to me there are other words that I’ve distracted myself with as an explanation for why I am this way: fear of failure, fear of success, lack of self-discipline, self-control, etc. and while I think those explanations probably do have their place, especially fears, I’m seeing them now more as fruits of a bad habit than the cause.
I’ve also realized I have a beef with the word “overachiever”. I’ve been called that several times throughout the course of my life, and never has it felt good. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard that word used as a positive thing. I think it’s one of those things that snuck into my soul and festered and I didn’t even know it until now. If one has a fear of disapproval and then gets the sense that others don’t approve of one’s honest efforts of course one might stop trying!
I think it was at the beginning of the year that I had the thought and shared with some people that I felt I was in a bit of a “wilderness” experience in my life. Now more than ever I believe that. Whenever anyone in the Bible got sent to the wilderness, (Moses and Jesus are the two that come to mind right away) it was hard and tiring and required lots of waiting, but in the end they came out prepared for their mission and steadfast. So I guess I’m trying to embrace the wilderness and learn what I need to learn.
As I’m typing, I realized no wonder I’ve felt conflicted when trying to plan for my future. I have many supportive people in my life that pray for me and encourage me and tell me candidly my strengths and weaknesses, but all that goes against my sneaky emotionally long rooted belief that no one really wants to see me do my honest best, after all that’s “overachieving”.
Hehe, again I go places in my writing that weren’t forseen when I first sat down at the keyboard. 🙂 SO to combat this habit of laziness, I’m going back to basics:
I figure I’ll start with tracking three things a week and choose small but fun reward levels (half full chart, full chart, full row). I was disappointed when we stopped doing this after probably only a month or two when I was a kid. It finally dawned on me nothing was stopping me from doing it now!
I seem to be wanting to use this blog as a therapeutic outlet right now, I hope people don’t mind that maybe it’s helping some of you reading this too. Okay, off to earn myself some stickers!