Underlines from Pages 61-82

  • boundaries aren’t inherited, they are built.
  • No matter how much you talk to yourself, read, study, or practice, you can’t develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and others. Don’t even try to start setting limits until you have entered into deep, abiding with people who will love you no matter what.
  • When we are not secure that we are loved, we are forced to choose between two bad options: 1. We set limits and risk losing a relationship. 2. We don’t set limits and remain a prisoner to the wishes of another.
  • The ultimate goal of Mother’s “being there” is a state called emotional object constancy. Object constancy refers to the child’s having a sense of belonging and safety, even away from the presence of the mother. All those experiences of constant loving pay off in a child’s inner sense of security. It’s been built in.
  • “Separation” refers to a child’s need to perceive him or herself as distinct from Mother, a “not-me” experience. “Individuation” describes the identity the child develops while separating from Mother. It is a “me” experience.
  • You must first determine who you aren’t before you discover the true, authentic aspects of your God-given identity.
  • The rapprochement phase is a return to connection with Mother, but this time it’s different. This time the child brings a more separate self into the relationship.
  • Being created in God’s image also means having ownership, or stewardship.
  • stewardship over our time, energy, talents, values, feelings, behaviors, money, and all the other things mentioned in chapter 2. Without a “mine,” we have no sense of responsibility to develop, nurture, and protect these resources. Without a “mine,” we have no self to give to God and His kingdom.
  • No is perfected during rapprochement. It’s the first verbal boundary children learn.
  • Parent’s have two tasks associated with no. First, they need to help their child feel safe enough to say no, thereby encouraging his or her own boundaries.
  • The second task facing parents of children in rapprochement is that of helping the child respect others’ boundaries. Children need to be able to not only give a no, but also take a no.
  • Two additional period focus on boundaries: …adolescence…young adulthood…
  • The earlier a child learns good boundaries, the less turmoil he or she experiences later in life.
  • Boundary problems are rooted in thousands of encounters with others, as well our own nature and personality.
  • Generally, the earlier and more severe the injury, the deeper the boundary problem.
  • Discipline is the art of teaching children self-control by using consequences.
  • we learn maturity “by constant use” (Heb 5:14)
  • No one can really escape the disciplines of life. They will always win out. We always reap what we sow. And the later in life it is, the sadder a picture it is, for the stakes are higher.


I’m still really enjoying this book, and I’m really glad I decided to write these posts. Writing these really helps me reflect on what I’m reading plus helps keep me motivated to finish the book! I’ve started so many books recently that I drop out of not even halfway through, so I’m already looking forward to doing the next one like this too. Maybe I’ll even try sharing some fiction like this. 🙂 But on to the main thoughts!

This chapter was all about how we form boundaries in childhood and ways our boundary development can get injured. It was broken down into subheading and sections more like the last part I posted, but this time I didn’t have so much that resonated with me out of each section, so I thought I would just put the outline as an afterthought because even without reading all the content, the big picture is very enlightening.

-Boundary Development
-Bonding: The Foundation of Boundary Building
-Separation and Individuation: The Construction of a Soul
-Hatching: “Mommy and Me Aren’t the Same”
-Practicing: “I Can Do Anything!”
-Rapprochement: “I Can’t Do Everything”
-Boundary Injuries: What Goes Wrong?
-Withdrawal from Boundaries
-Hostility Against Boundaries
-Lack of Limits
-Inconsistent Limits
-Our Own Character Traits
-Our Own Sinfulness

It’s really interesting to ponder my childhood and adolescence and see more accurately what went well and what went not so well! I would wholeheartedly say I had the fortune to have felt consistently loved by my parents. I also see areas where there were lack of limits and inconsistent limits, where there were traumas, and how my own personality is a big factor in how I perceived and reacted to events. I am I still in young adulthood I wonder? Compared to some yes! But age 30 is a year and three months away. I feel I really am outgrowing young adulthood, in the best way though. In that I’m happy to be spending the last bit on my 20’s focusing on growing and embracing the rising stakes!